God Sits Down To Answer Some Questions

Ever wanted to ask God the pressing questions of the day? We've got you covered.

Images courtesy of God.

Today, a little break from the usual with a very special and delightfully droll guest. Did you know God is on social media and Substack? That’s right, and They have a podcast, too. 

I say They because, well, God is a holy trinity after all. And pronouns matter!

I’ve actually worked with God for many years, with Team Takei and God facing down the demons of the Facebook algorithm together. Both of us are now very active on Substack, which honestly feels like a bit of heaven compared to anything Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg has to offer.

So I thought, since they’re hanging The Ten Commandments in Louisiana classrooms, why not get the Word of God direct from the source, and put it down right here in our own Substack?

Enjoy this unique interview with this unique guest. And Happy Pride!

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Jay Kuo

Things in the modern world are complicated, and our politics have everyone on edge. Was there ever a time like this in the past? How bad were things back in the day?

Oh humans…things have always been bad. From day one. Ever read the Bible? Pretty messed up stuff in the ‘back in the day’ section. Ya know, everyone complains about living in unprecedented times, but history has always been unprecedented…that’s what makes it history! Think of the Civil Rights Movement, the World Wars, the Great Depression. Humanity has always faced strife. It’s also worth noting that he who increases knowledge, increases pain. In the old days, most people didn’t know what the hell was going on, so they lived in relative ignorant bliss. These days you’re bombarded with information at a nonstop pace. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s a lot for your little brains to process. You used to learn something new and depressing every day…now you learn something new and depressing every five minutes! If you feel frustrated and overwhelmed, you’re not wrong, humans. It’s because you’re a good person.

The Christian Right is on the rise today. Justice Alito even agrees that we need to bring “godliness” back into society and let his wife fly “appeal to heaven” flags at their beach home. Any advice for the Alitos?

One of the worst things about being God is that I am often defined by people who claim to be in My ‘fan club.’ Samuel Alito is extremely partisan and lied his ass off in his confirmation hearings. Where was he on Jan. 6? I assume his wife was busy raising and lowering crazy flags all day, as this is apparently the only thing she has to do to occupy her time. Perhaps the Alitos should remember that true godliness demonstrates love for all people. A flag is just a symbol; real godliness is shown through actions. So, I judge them by their actions. And their actions suck.

The Ten Commandments are back in the news with a new law in Louisiana saying you have to hang them up in classrooms. There’s a rumor that there were more than ten Commandments, but some of them were lost over the ages. If you could add more today, what would they be?

I have so many. Somehow, someway, I keep posting funky new commandments almost every single day. Humans have such short attention spans now, so I have to keep My commandments fresh and trendy. Thankfully, the chuds keep Me pretty busy.

• Thou shalt not blame your wife for flying a flag because it’s ‘her decision’ and then deny 170 million women the right to decide what to do with their bodies.

• Thou shalt not pretend you were “literally crucified” when in reality you were just sleeping whilst farting.

• Thou shalt not compare thy convicted criminal cult leader to Jesus Christ.

• Thou shalt not threaten others with violence because your cult leader got convicted and you are feeling sad. 😭

• Thou shalt make Alex Jones pay every last penny of the $1.5 billion he owes the people he hurt.

• Thou shalt not try to cancel Dolly Parton for being ‘woke.’

If you exist, why do you allow bad things to happen? Specifically, I’m speaking about Marjorie Taylor Greene being reelected to Congress.

I’d like to plead free will, your honor. Free will is a fundamental aspect of human existence. People have the power to make their own choices, but those choices are based on the information they are given. If they are constantly brainwashed by right-wing TV, radio, and print sources, do they even have free will anymore? Or are they in a cult? Because I think it’s a cult. Only a cult could unflinchingly support people like Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Of course, people choose to be indoctrinated by these right-wing sources. Believe Me, I’m just as disappointed in humans as you are…I regret free will all the time. Please don’t blame God for Marjorie Taylor Greene. Don’t you put that evil on Me!!! Blame Fox News, blame Newsmax, blame the voters…just leave Me out of it!

Speaking of MTG: Jewish Space Lasers. Real, or a globalist conspiracy?

Jewish Space Lasers? Definitely real…ly anti-semitic! Just imagine if any Democrat said something so insane?! Fox News would never stop playing the clip. You would hear it on repeat until the end of time. Let’s return the favor and make sure that they never live down that particular phrase. Seems to be working thus far.

The QAnon folks believe that Democrats are part of a satanic cult of pedophiles. You know Satan personally. Any truth to these rumors? And is the Storm really coming like they say?

Satan and I are great buddies, he’s a super chill guy. Satan bitterly resents being used by QAnon to advance their misinformation. In his words, “The only storm comin’ is a storm of flames to their BUTTS when those J6 protestors arrive in Hell, my guy.” For some reason, Satan says ‘my guy’ a LOT. He’s up-to-date with all the latest slang. Just one more thing I love about him. I’m also a huge fan of what he’s done with Rush Limbaugh.

The Speaker of the House uses an app so he and his son can monitor each other’s porn. But you see everything. Got any tea about MAGA Mike Johnson? Specifically, why did his wife run a conversion therapy camp, and did it work with her husband?

HAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for reminding Me. I laugh every time I think about this. Who does that? And he actually thinks his teenage son can’t figure out a way past it? Jesus tested the app personally and learned how easy it was to get around it. So if Jesus, who is over 2000 years old, could figure it out, pretty sure Mike’s son can figure it out too. As for Mike Johnson’s wife, yes she ran a conversion therapy camp to try to stop her hubby from jacking it to gay porn and fornicating with his congressional aides all the time and well… uhh…no it didn’t work. It never does. “Conversion therapy” camps are a great place to get laid.

You’ve come out strongly against Donald Trump. Can’t you just smite him or something, or is that against the rules? And don’t you make the rules?

I used to mess around with humans ALL THE TIME and it led to some very bad results. The humans wrote a whole book about it! Quite frankly, I still feel guilty about a lot of the smiting I did back in the old days. Are you a fan of Star Trek? Are you aware of the Prime Directive? Do not interfere. That spoke to Me. The humans are still too primitive. If I were to suddenly have Trump electrocuted by a boat and eaten by sharks… that’d be a little bit on the nose, don’t you think? The last thing anyone wants is for this guy to become a martyr. Better that Americans soundly repudiate him and his brand. Better that the justice system convicts him for his many crimes. In their hearts, Americans are still fighting the Civil War. The North needs to win again. For God to intervene now would just seem like sloppy writing. A deus ex machina, really? This late in the movie?

Elon Musk just got a pay package worth $45 billion dollars. Is that enough, and do you have a plan to deal with the billionaires?

Wealth disparity is a major issue. The fact that Elon Musk is the richest person in the world is a sad commentary on the failures of your society. Jesus believes that billionaires should be taxed until they are no longer billionaires. I agree. No human should have that much money and power and be that stupid, irresponsible, and cartoonishly evil. Bond villains might be fun in a movie, but it’s only because Mr. Bond defeats them in the end. In real life, the only thing to do is wait for them to do some ill-advised deep-sea exploration or space tourism. Or maybe go yachting near some Orcas.

Another hot topic, if you’ll excuse the pun, is global warming. It is just you, God, hugging us closer? Was Tina Fey as Sarah Palin correct? Or is this all on us humans?

No, it’s humans. This is another thing that humans want to blame Me for and I’m not having it!! You did this to yourselves, Me-dammit!

Can you settle a matter for us? If life begins at conception like the religious right claims, then can a pregnant woman drive in the carpool lane?

To be clear, Jesus and I are firmly pro-choice and are aghast at what is happening in the USA. But yes, as soon as the little pregnancy stick says baby, you immediately get to sit or drive wherever you want. Unless the pregnant woman decides to have an abortion of course, as is her right to choose. If she does, then she loses the carpool lane. Unless her dog is in the car. Or her cat.

IVF is another issue that shouldn’t be a big deal but somehow is. Test tube babies: cool and important science, or a sign of the Apocalypse?

IVF is a cool and important science that helps many families. It’s a testament to human ingenuity, not a sign of the Apocalypse. Why do Republicans lie so much? I specifically said not to lie. It’s one of the Ten Commandments they want to put up everywhere. Do they ever read them?!?

You can see into the future. Actually, you know everything past and present. Should we be worried about this election, or nah?

While I can see into the future, keep in mind that due to free will, the multiverse is real. To better answer thy question, I went forward in time to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict. I saw fourteen million, six hundred and five possible versions of the election outcome. Biden only wins 50% of the time, which is insane given that Trump is a convicted felon. So yes, you should be worried. Push back against these fascists with every ounce of energy you can. Wake up early. Fight the bastards!

You’re an almighty being. Why start a podcast? Do you have any favorite guests, and when is Satan coming on if ever? And if not Satan, how about Mitch McConnell as a stand-in?

I started The God Pod because I got tired of Republicans putting words into My mouth and making Me seem like such a bigoted prick. They use Me to get elected. They use Me for whatever they want. And it seems to work a lot of the time in helping these charlatans deceive people. So I speak out now. No, I do NOT like Donald Trump, in fact, I hate his guts and consider him to be the antichrist. Jesus agrees with Me. As for Satan, he’s been on the podcast many, many times. Compared to Mitch McConnell, Satan is a saint! My favorite guest of all time is Mary Trump. She’s been on the podcast three times and is such a gem. I love you, Mary!

“God” is a creator and comedian who started The God Pod, a live-animated podcast that looks at the day’s top headlines through the eyes of God and Jesus, covering the biggest news stories in politics, pop culture, and more. Now, just in time for the 2024 election, God is releasing biweekly episodes and written satire to keep you up to date on the news. God is also a featured Substack Creator Studio fellow.