Apr 27, 2023Liked by The Big Picture, Amelia Mavis Christnot
Thank you for sharing your experiences with ASD, especially for describing them. I'm a 71 year old woman who was diagnosed with ASD in my late 60s. I was actually glad for the diagnosis since it explained so much about my behavior. I have always been very verbal and was reading before I entered kindergarten. I read Tolstoy and Dostoevsky in grade school. I taught myself how to mask certain behaviors such as fiddling with my fingernails (passes for female nervousness) or my toes (can't be seen in shoes). I was usually bored in school but learned not to be disruptive. When I'm out shopping I force myself to look at the person ringing up my purchases after the transaction and say thank you. I'm a retired academic who taught tax accounting and was an associate Dean. It took me a little while to learn to appear to be looking at students faces when I was actually looking at their desks or over their heads. I was fine with one-on-one conversations, it was crowds that were difficult (too many faces). I was the first faculty member in our business school to use online teaching which I viewed as fantastic. I never liked concerts or bars because there was too much noise. I have a near photographic memory - I see written information in my head, but it isn't complete. When I took my written PhD exams I wrote more than any other student had ever written. For my oral exam I prepared for days. I even sat in on another male student's oral exam so I felt ready. However, one of the male faculty members had made it clear while I was in the program that he didn't like the fact that he couldn't intimidate me. He had caused one female student to leave the program. During the oral exam he began to attack me. Since I had seen his very different behavior with the other male student I became upset and shut down. I looked in his direction but refused to answer his questions. This made the other male faculty (no female faculty) uncomfortable so they finally stepped in, asked me some routine questions and then declared that I had passed. I never understood why I shut down until I was diagnosed. I have shut down at other times over the years but in response to two abusive husbands, never in a professional setting. I suspect being ASD also explains the abusive husbands because in both cases, I never saw the "signs" or understood the abuse. I spend a long time writing emails (and comments on Substack) because I don't want to be misunderstood. I also deal with absolutes - doctor's questionnaires asking about drinking are posed as yes or no, and then frequency. Do I answer yes thinking "maybe once very five or six months (never an option)" or answer no which isn't true. I've always been able to "zone out" which means I don't see, hear or react to what's going on around me if I'm in a crowd. I don't recognize people I know when they drive by me. I've told people that I have two databases, one with names and one with faces, and these two databases do not merge very well. This is my way of masking. I've always hoped that I'm never a witness to a crime because I don't want to explain how I don't look at peoples' faces. I too pause when speaking while I try to find the right word and I have been known to respond to someone and then come back later to explain my response just to be certain that they understand what I've said. I've been told all my life that I'm rude, or too blunt because I need to be honest. I'm definitely not subtle. I've always been told that I'm stubborn, not persistent, because I don't simply obey others if I think they're wrong. I was lucky that I was a tenured professor, which means I couldn't be fired, since I always gave my honest opinion on administrative matters and that was rarely appreciated by the mostly male administrators. During my career I've been attacked by male faculty who opposed my tenure and promotions on personal grounds (they didn't like my attitude) although they tried to couch it in professional terms. I always fought back and, since I knew the procedures and qualifications better than they did, I always won. I have never been social but had to learn how to survive during business social events - hold a drink, stand out of the way, look out a window, and have a couple of questions at the ready, such as how's your family, how are your kids, how are your classes going and let the other person(s) do the talking. I was always exhausted after these events or after a day of teaching and/or meetings. I told my family and my friends that I'm autistic and that was such a relief because they know that I'm fairly anti-social and being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. It really helps to understand why you are the way you are and, like Amelia, I am perfectly content with who I am. I view ASD the same way I view the fact that I have blue eyes, red hair (not any longer but hair dye is a wonderful thing) and fair skin.
Many of our stories have similarities. I was also diagnosed late, a common occurrence with women who are often misdiagnosed. I too was relieved. It explained so much. Like you I am an academic, but I was very disruptive when I got bored in school, and probably one of the very few female students who actually got aggressive with teachers as that was rare female behavior 50 years ago. I thought I was oppositional defiant disorder until the autism diagnosis which made a lot more sense than ODD. The thing that relieved me the most though, was that all my life men I dated would tell me I was distant, emotionally cold, masculine, or some other instulting way to tell me I'm not like typical women. I started to wonder, was there something wrong with me? Now, the next man who tells me I'm cold, I'm going to shout, "I'm newrodivergent you neurotypical ***hole!" And, I'm very happy about it.
Oof, this resonated. Three separate times in 3 completely independent settings I've had a male supervisor tell me during an annual performance review that I exceeded all targets, but I needed to be "softer" and more like a woman, because I intimidate people.
The first time I was stunned. Feminine stereotypes weren't part of the job description.
2nd time I asked him to name the incidents where I was unprofessional or failed to do my job. His response was there weren't any incidents but "you know how you are."
3rd time I told him I was doing my job at an exceptional level, was always professional and I wasn't intimidating, people were intimidated. There's a big difference between the two and he needed to figure it out.
I'm lucky that this was never an issue professionally, but boy it has reigned holy terror on my attempts at relationships. I'm curious how future attempts will go (if there are any lol) now that I have a diagnosis.
I relate to so much of your experience except relationships. I'm hyper logical in relationships, so have never really had a long term romantic one nor lifelong friendships. I tend to socialize only with my Sisters and my Sister's child.
It might be because of very detached parents making me very independent at a young age—my Mother always said once I was weaned and potty trained I never needed her ever again. I evaluate relationships based on compatibility and find it very easy to walk away if we're not on the same page.
I can empathize with "but I love him," but can't relate to it. If someone I'm close to does something I wouldn't tolerate from a stranger, I refuse to tolerate it from them either. I have no hesitation cutting ties with friends, family, significant others if I'm treated poorly.
Apr 27, 2023Liked by Amelia Mavis Christnot, George Takei, The Big Picture
Thank you for sharing your story. Before retiring, I worked as a disability rights attorney. I represented several souls on the autism spectrum. Unfortunately, all were nonverbal and could not share their perspectives with me. I only wish I had had your insight while representing my nonverbal clients with autism.
Philámayaye. Disabled people are making our wants/needs heard more and more. Hopefully we continue to self advocate so our allies and advocates know what we want.
As a neurodivergent individual myself (I’m Autistic and have ADHD) this totally resonates with me. Especially the part about direct communication. I remember chatting with someone from HR about Autism and she told me she had to come to my defense because some people came to her saying they didn’t care for my communication style. She told them she appreciated my style and how I have a way of telling people things they don’t want to hear but need to be said. A lot of people are not used to others being direct and honest, but that’s how I am and I’m done accommodating those who are uncomfortable with me being myself.
Last year I helped one member of my county’s Board of Supervisors draft legislation that will make it easier for more neurodivergent people to be hired by the county (I have been employed by this county for ten years now). It was passed, and as a result there will be two mandatory trainings on neurodiversity, one for all employees and one for those who have a role in interviewing and hiring job candidates. My county is believed to be the first jurisdiction in the country to pass such legislation.
Apr 27, 2023Liked by George Takei, Amelia Mavis Christnot, The Big Picture
One of my best friends is a Clinical Psychologist who supports people with autism spectrum disorders as well as their families. She has two Golden Retrievers trained as therapy dogs. She visits her clients and their families in their homes if they find it really difficult to go out in the world. I sometimes accompany her on her visits. Would having a pet be a form of therapy? For example, her Golden Retrievers just display so much love and empathy. My pets have done the same for me. I'm also a firm believer in horticultural therapy and experiencing nature. It could be just houseplants depending on the living situation (apartment or house). It could be having a small garden. It could be living near a park, a woodsy area, or a community garden. Working at customer service and retail jobs must be so exhausting for you. People can be difficult, impatient and angry. I hope you have something to come home to that can provide relief, comfort, and a sense of peace, whether it be a pet or a plant. Thank you for sharing your story.
I have always owned cats as their perceived independence and detachment work well with my abilities. Dogs are too intense for me and make me anxious, but their personalities do work well for some people.
My cats help me remember to eat and drink, because I have to take care of them. They help me remember to sleep because they do. I don't do well living alone without a pet.
Thank you for sharing your story. I was diagnosed at 35, 15 years ago, and have become an advocate for neurodivergent individuals ever since. I always knew I was different, and learned coping strategies while going through school. My parents tell me that I was even referred to the special education program in kindergarten, but they sent me back a week later, saying that I was just quiet and didn’t talk much, but didn’t need special education services.
I taught at a school for students on the spectrum for 8 years, and was finally let go within months of receiving my diagnosis. The headmaster “KNEW” I had no problems, but was just being difficult. In that negative environment, I lost most of my coping skills and masking abilities, but as soon as I left, things started improving. Fifteen years later, and I am starting a disability resource group for my employer.
If you’re interested on my take on ASD, feel free to follow my Substack. I post everything for free, but wouldn’t mind a paid subscription or two 😝
My Mother taught me to read at age 2, but when we moved to Maine my 2nd grade teacher put me in remedial reading because her evaluation was having me read aloud, standing in front of the class within the first 10 minutes of my first day.
Luckily the remedial reading teacher saw I was reading "Flowers For Algernon" and "MacBeth" as recreational reading and got me reevaluated and placed in the highest reading level.
Apr 27, 2023Liked by Amelia Mavis Christnot, George Takei
Thank you for sharing your important story. I’m an 81yo woman sitting here wondering if some of the symptoms you shared as ADS symptoms are what I have experienced all my life. No, it’s not a major problem, but a problem. I have had people tell me they don’t know how to respond to something I have said. I have always had a problem losing words I need in the middle of a sentence. I know I don’t have total recall, but I have quit trying to talk to family members and others about memories of things that happened and really try to find peace with remembered hurts. I have been told I am obsessive about certain things and not at all flexible in my dealings with others. Now you’ve made me wonder.
I had a revolving door of diagnoses with the only consistent one being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but therapists always said I had an "unusual" form of OCD.
My friend suggested I join the ASD research study he was part of because I shared a lot of his behaviors and reactions. Once I had my ASD diagnosis and started doing research, I saw so much of myself in every case study and story others shared.
My friend was hesitant at first because he didn't know how I'd feel getting an autism diagnosis at age 40, but it was honestly validating.
I was no longer that one weird person who doesn't act "normal," I was one of many.
Apr 28, 2023·edited Apr 28, 2023Liked by Amelia Mavis Christnot
You know, a few years before I was diagnosed, I wrote a plot synopsis for a TV show. I called it Sci-prediction. One of the major concepts was that 250 years from now, autistics would be the majority of the population which would incur a shift because society often determines what is and is not typical. There are a lot of really cool things about a world where the majority of people are autistic. Imagine what the climate would be like if half the population was like Greta Thurnberg. Because I have a lot of professional expertise working with autism, I have a lot of people ask me why the rate of diagnosis in increasing so much. I give the usual replies of better diagnstic tools, over-diagnosis. But what I really believe...evolution. We are the eveloving human being, moving toward efficiency and harmony with our environment. This was my belief before diagnosis, and it certainly has not changed. Someday, we won't be considered disabled, we'll be the standard.
Thank you. First person accounts such as this are beneficial both to those of us who are not neurodivergent (because they help us understand) and for those who are neurodivergent (because they let others know they are not alone - that someone out there understands).
Helpful information, and a great reminder that one never knows the reason's for someone else's behavior, least of all a stranger's. "Normal" is vastly overrated.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with ASD, especially for describing them. I'm a 71 year old woman who was diagnosed with ASD in my late 60s. I was actually glad for the diagnosis since it explained so much about my behavior. I have always been very verbal and was reading before I entered kindergarten. I read Tolstoy and Dostoevsky in grade school. I taught myself how to mask certain behaviors such as fiddling with my fingernails (passes for female nervousness) or my toes (can't be seen in shoes). I was usually bored in school but learned not to be disruptive. When I'm out shopping I force myself to look at the person ringing up my purchases after the transaction and say thank you. I'm a retired academic who taught tax accounting and was an associate Dean. It took me a little while to learn to appear to be looking at students faces when I was actually looking at their desks or over their heads. I was fine with one-on-one conversations, it was crowds that were difficult (too many faces). I was the first faculty member in our business school to use online teaching which I viewed as fantastic. I never liked concerts or bars because there was too much noise. I have a near photographic memory - I see written information in my head, but it isn't complete. When I took my written PhD exams I wrote more than any other student had ever written. For my oral exam I prepared for days. I even sat in on another male student's oral exam so I felt ready. However, one of the male faculty members had made it clear while I was in the program that he didn't like the fact that he couldn't intimidate me. He had caused one female student to leave the program. During the oral exam he began to attack me. Since I had seen his very different behavior with the other male student I became upset and shut down. I looked in his direction but refused to answer his questions. This made the other male faculty (no female faculty) uncomfortable so they finally stepped in, asked me some routine questions and then declared that I had passed. I never understood why I shut down until I was diagnosed. I have shut down at other times over the years but in response to two abusive husbands, never in a professional setting. I suspect being ASD also explains the abusive husbands because in both cases, I never saw the "signs" or understood the abuse. I spend a long time writing emails (and comments on Substack) because I don't want to be misunderstood. I also deal with absolutes - doctor's questionnaires asking about drinking are posed as yes or no, and then frequency. Do I answer yes thinking "maybe once very five or six months (never an option)" or answer no which isn't true. I've always been able to "zone out" which means I don't see, hear or react to what's going on around me if I'm in a crowd. I don't recognize people I know when they drive by me. I've told people that I have two databases, one with names and one with faces, and these two databases do not merge very well. This is my way of masking. I've always hoped that I'm never a witness to a crime because I don't want to explain how I don't look at peoples' faces. I too pause when speaking while I try to find the right word and I have been known to respond to someone and then come back later to explain my response just to be certain that they understand what I've said. I've been told all my life that I'm rude, or too blunt because I need to be honest. I'm definitely not subtle. I've always been told that I'm stubborn, not persistent, because I don't simply obey others if I think they're wrong. I was lucky that I was a tenured professor, which means I couldn't be fired, since I always gave my honest opinion on administrative matters and that was rarely appreciated by the mostly male administrators. During my career I've been attacked by male faculty who opposed my tenure and promotions on personal grounds (they didn't like my attitude) although they tried to couch it in professional terms. I always fought back and, since I knew the procedures and qualifications better than they did, I always won. I have never been social but had to learn how to survive during business social events - hold a drink, stand out of the way, look out a window, and have a couple of questions at the ready, such as how's your family, how are your kids, how are your classes going and let the other person(s) do the talking. I was always exhausted after these events or after a day of teaching and/or meetings. I told my family and my friends that I'm autistic and that was such a relief because they know that I'm fairly anti-social and being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. It really helps to understand why you are the way you are and, like Amelia, I am perfectly content with who I am. I view ASD the same way I view the fact that I have blue eyes, red hair (not any longer but hair dye is a wonderful thing) and fair skin.
Thank you for sharing this personal story. Very illuminating, very real.
Many of our stories have similarities. I was also diagnosed late, a common occurrence with women who are often misdiagnosed. I too was relieved. It explained so much. Like you I am an academic, but I was very disruptive when I got bored in school, and probably one of the very few female students who actually got aggressive with teachers as that was rare female behavior 50 years ago. I thought I was oppositional defiant disorder until the autism diagnosis which made a lot more sense than ODD. The thing that relieved me the most though, was that all my life men I dated would tell me I was distant, emotionally cold, masculine, or some other instulting way to tell me I'm not like typical women. I started to wonder, was there something wrong with me? Now, the next man who tells me I'm cold, I'm going to shout, "I'm newrodivergent you neurotypical ***hole!" And, I'm very happy about it.
Oof, this resonated. Three separate times in 3 completely independent settings I've had a male supervisor tell me during an annual performance review that I exceeded all targets, but I needed to be "softer" and more like a woman, because I intimidate people.
The first time I was stunned. Feminine stereotypes weren't part of the job description.
2nd time I asked him to name the incidents where I was unprofessional or failed to do my job. His response was there weren't any incidents but "you know how you are."
3rd time I told him I was doing my job at an exceptional level, was always professional and I wasn't intimidating, people were intimidated. There's a big difference between the two and he needed to figure it out.
I'm lucky that this was never an issue professionally, but boy it has reigned holy terror on my attempts at relationships. I'm curious how future attempts will go (if there are any lol) now that I have a diagnosis.
I relate to so much of your experience except relationships. I'm hyper logical in relationships, so have never really had a long term romantic one nor lifelong friendships. I tend to socialize only with my Sisters and my Sister's child.
It might be because of very detached parents making me very independent at a young age—my Mother always said once I was weaned and potty trained I never needed her ever again. I evaluate relationships based on compatibility and find it very easy to walk away if we're not on the same page.
I can empathize with "but I love him," but can't relate to it. If someone I'm close to does something I wouldn't tolerate from a stranger, I refuse to tolerate it from them either. I have no hesitation cutting ties with friends, family, significant others if I'm treated poorly.
Excellent, well-written and extremely helpful for those of us who want to understand more. Thank you.
Philámayaye for your kind words.
Thank you for sharing this information.
Philámayaye for reading it.
Thank you for sharing your story. Before retiring, I worked as a disability rights attorney. I represented several souls on the autism spectrum. Unfortunately, all were nonverbal and could not share their perspectives with me. I only wish I had had your insight while representing my nonverbal clients with autism.
Philámayaye. Disabled people are making our wants/needs heard more and more. Hopefully we continue to self advocate so our allies and advocates know what we want.
Excellent article. Thank you for sharing this important information.
Philámayaye for reading and supporting The Big Picture.
As a neurodivergent individual myself (I’m Autistic and have ADHD) this totally resonates with me. Especially the part about direct communication. I remember chatting with someone from HR about Autism and she told me she had to come to my defense because some people came to her saying they didn’t care for my communication style. She told them she appreciated my style and how I have a way of telling people things they don’t want to hear but need to be said. A lot of people are not used to others being direct and honest, but that’s how I am and I’m done accommodating those who are uncomfortable with me being myself.
Last year I helped one member of my county’s Board of Supervisors draft legislation that will make it easier for more neurodivergent people to be hired by the county (I have been employed by this county for ten years now). It was passed, and as a result there will be two mandatory trainings on neurodiversity, one for all employees and one for those who have a role in interviewing and hiring job candidates. My county is believed to be the first jurisdiction in the country to pass such legislation.
Philámayaye for working on behalf of the community. Awareness of biases is crucial to eliminating them.
One of my best friends is a Clinical Psychologist who supports people with autism spectrum disorders as well as their families. She has two Golden Retrievers trained as therapy dogs. She visits her clients and their families in their homes if they find it really difficult to go out in the world. I sometimes accompany her on her visits. Would having a pet be a form of therapy? For example, her Golden Retrievers just display so much love and empathy. My pets have done the same for me. I'm also a firm believer in horticultural therapy and experiencing nature. It could be just houseplants depending on the living situation (apartment or house). It could be having a small garden. It could be living near a park, a woodsy area, or a community garden. Working at customer service and retail jobs must be so exhausting for you. People can be difficult, impatient and angry. I hope you have something to come home to that can provide relief, comfort, and a sense of peace, whether it be a pet or a plant. Thank you for sharing your story.
Pets are excellent therapy.
I have always owned cats as their perceived independence and detachment work well with my abilities. Dogs are too intense for me and make me anxious, but their personalities do work well for some people.
My cats help me remember to eat and drink, because I have to take care of them. They help me remember to sleep because they do. I don't do well living alone without a pet.
Thank you for sharing your story. I was diagnosed at 35, 15 years ago, and have become an advocate for neurodivergent individuals ever since. I always knew I was different, and learned coping strategies while going through school. My parents tell me that I was even referred to the special education program in kindergarten, but they sent me back a week later, saying that I was just quiet and didn’t talk much, but didn’t need special education services.
I taught at a school for students on the spectrum for 8 years, and was finally let go within months of receiving my diagnosis. The headmaster “KNEW” I had no problems, but was just being difficult. In that negative environment, I lost most of my coping skills and masking abilities, but as soon as I left, things started improving. Fifteen years later, and I am starting a disability resource group for my employer.
If you’re interested on my take on ASD, feel free to follow my Substack. I post everything for free, but wouldn’t mind a paid subscription or two 😝
Philámayaye for sharing your experiences.
My Mother taught me to read at age 2, but when we moved to Maine my 2nd grade teacher put me in remedial reading because her evaluation was having me read aloud, standing in front of the class within the first 10 minutes of my first day.
Luckily the remedial reading teacher saw I was reading "Flowers For Algernon" and "MacBeth" as recreational reading and got me reevaluated and placed in the highest reading level.
Thank you for sharing your important story. I’m an 81yo woman sitting here wondering if some of the symptoms you shared as ADS symptoms are what I have experienced all my life. No, it’s not a major problem, but a problem. I have had people tell me they don’t know how to respond to something I have said. I have always had a problem losing words I need in the middle of a sentence. I know I don’t have total recall, but I have quit trying to talk to family members and others about memories of things that happened and really try to find peace with remembered hurts. I have been told I am obsessive about certain things and not at all flexible in my dealings with others. Now you’ve made me wonder.
I had a revolving door of diagnoses with the only consistent one being Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but therapists always said I had an "unusual" form of OCD.
My friend suggested I join the ASD research study he was part of because I shared a lot of his behaviors and reactions. Once I had my ASD diagnosis and started doing research, I saw so much of myself in every case study and story others shared.
My friend was hesitant at first because he didn't know how I'd feel getting an autism diagnosis at age 40, but it was honestly validating.
I was no longer that one weird person who doesn't act "normal," I was one of many.
You know, a few years before I was diagnosed, I wrote a plot synopsis for a TV show. I called it Sci-prediction. One of the major concepts was that 250 years from now, autistics would be the majority of the population which would incur a shift because society often determines what is and is not typical. There are a lot of really cool things about a world where the majority of people are autistic. Imagine what the climate would be like if half the population was like Greta Thurnberg. Because I have a lot of professional expertise working with autism, I have a lot of people ask me why the rate of diagnosis in increasing so much. I give the usual replies of better diagnstic tools, over-diagnosis. But what I really believe...evolution. We are the eveloving human being, moving toward efficiency and harmony with our environment. This was my belief before diagnosis, and it certainly has not changed. Someday, we won't be considered disabled, we'll be the standard.
My Sister's child who is also on the spectrum has said, "What if we're like the X-men? We're not aberrations, we're the next evolutionary step."
Thank you for sharing this. Very informative and helpful.
Philámayaye for your kind words.
Thank you. First person accounts such as this are beneficial both to those of us who are not neurodivergent (because they help us understand) and for those who are neurodivergent (because they let others know they are not alone - that someone out there understands).
That’s what I loved about this. It opens communications and understanding in ways that outsiders without this experience cannot manage.
Philámayaye for your kind words. I do hope our pieces here on The Big Picture resonate with our readers.
Very enlightening! Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge and experience.
Philámayaye for reading my piece.
Thank you.
Philámayaye for reading and supporting The Big Picture.
Spectacular article.
Now we need “ Autism Acceptance Day”
A number of places around the world have switched from Awareness to Acceptance.
This is great to read, really illuminating. Thank you for sharing this.
Philámayaye for reading it.
Helpful information, and a great reminder that one never knows the reason's for someone else's behavior, least of all a stranger's. "Normal" is vastly overrated.
I watch a lot of true crime and cringe when law enforcement or prosecutors or juries judge a person's guilt based on "normal" behavior.
I'm sure I would be seen as cold and unfeeling if I ever had to testify.
I'd probably be seen as "shifty" - I tend to look away from people while I'm thinking through an answer.