For Me, LGBTQ+ Allyship Is A Traditional Family Value
The “party of family values" isn't a reflection of every family.
In 1975, I lived in Arkansas while my parents began the process of getting a divorce. My Até's (Father's) final Navy-funded move for his retirement was to a trailer park in Alexander, Arkansas.
After the move, Até—a Catholic Native boarding school survivor—didn't live with us in the family trailer. He lived in Little Rock, which was about a half hour away. I lived with my Akenistén:’a (Mother), Mičuwé (my older Sister) Helena, and newborn Mithaŋ (my younger Sister) Jacqueline in the trailer park.
I don't know what kind of trailer parks you're familiar with—or if you're familiar with them at all—but most of the ones we lived in while growing up were massive towns unto themselves, with hundreds of mobile homes.
In Arkansas, it was another huge park with dozens of streets with row after row of trailers. We never really ventured further than one street over where Mičuwé Helen's friend Vickie lived.
There were plenty of children to play with and things to do on our own street.
We were Gen X—the so-called feral generation—so it was out the door for school or to play and we didn't go back inside until it was time to eat dinner.
Across the street and two trailers down lived the Harrison family. They were Arkansas-born and raised—their Mother was proud of their Ozark roots. They were the stereotypical traditional Christian family with a father who worked, a stay-at-home Mom, and 2.5 kids.
Keith was a year older than my Sister Helen, Kelly was a year younger than Keith which made her a year older than me. They had a younger brother, but he was still young enough that he didn't get put out every morning like the older kids.
One thing we loved to do was go play in Steve and Kevin's yard. Steve and Kevin were two men who shared a trailer across the street from us.
Steve—who was probably in his mid-30s like my Até—was a mechanic who rode a motorcycle. Sometimes he would come home with the wrecker from his garage at lunch time.
Kevin—who was probably in his late 20s—worked in an office, but didn't wear wide-lapeled polyester suits with gaudy ties like Mr. Harrison. Kevin drove a little green convertible sports car and was always fashionably dressed. He'd meet Steve at home for lunch every day.
The moms on our street all loved Steve and Kevin. Steve was always available to help with any projects the moms had and Kevin was a regular in the moms’ coffee klatch when he wasn't working.
For us kids though, the appeal was their vehicles.
Steve gave us rides up and down the street on his motorcycle—with our moms’ blessing. He'd show us how the wrecker worked when he brought it home. And Kevin would leave the top down on his sports car in good weather and let us kids play in it or take us for rides.
They were both attractive, friendly men.
What's not to like?
Not Everyone Thinks Like We Do
One day Helen, myself and Keith and Kelly Harrison were all playing secret agent in Steve and Kevin's driveway. All of a sudden their father was there, screaming and yelling that they needed to “get home now!”
He was ranting about Steve and Kevin being a bunch of things I wasn't familiar with at the time. A number of people had come out of their trailers because of the noise he was making, including our Akenistén:’a, Mrs. Harrison and Kevin. Steve wasn't home yet.
Mr. Harrison started yelling at Helen and me, telling us to get home, too. My Akenistén:’a—or Mum as we called her—told him to never yell at her daughters again, to stop making an ass of himself and to take his kids and go home.
Our Akenistén:’a and Mrs. Harrison were good friends, but Mum didn't like Mr. Harrison at all. He stormed off back to his trailer with Keith and Kelly following him as Mrs. Harrison apologized to everyone she saw as she followed him home.
Mum and several of the other mothers talked to Kevin and hugged him. He looked scared and sad.
Helen and I were thoroughly confused, but went home with our Akenistén:’a to get cleaned up. As it happened, it was the night our Até would be visiting us.
When he arrived, we told him what had happened and asked about the things Mr. Harrison said and why he said we shouldn't play there any more.
Our Até—or Papa as we called him—said:
“Well, not everyone thinks like we do. Some people like Mr. Harrison think God wants them to hate people that are different.”
Akenistén:’a was more blunt.
“Some people are so small minded they can only look at one part of a person, like their skin color or who they love. Steve and Kevin love each other and sleep in the same bed like other people who love each other, but Mr. Harrison doesn't like that.”
When we asked why, she told us:
“Because he's an idiot taught by other idiots to be an idiot. Steve and Kevin are nice to you and you have fun playing in their yard. Who they love or sleep with doesn't affect you or Mr. Harrison in any way.”
“Who someone sleeps with is such a small part of who they are. We believe everyone should be who they are and love who they love. But wašiču like Mr. Harrison want to be in everyone else's business because they think God told them to be jerks.”
Mr. Harrison's conniption still didn't make a lot of sense to us. It would be several years before I heard the slurs he used again.
Keith and Kelly were never around Steve or Kevin after that day, but the rest of the neighborhood kids still played in their yard and got motorcycle and convertible rides.
At the end of the school year we moved from Arkansas to Northern Maine with our Akenistén:a. I don't know what became of Keith or Kelly and if they maintained their father's traditions.
I do know that for myself and my siblings, there was no acceptance of LGBTQ+ people required. They existed, had always existed, and were to be treated no differently, as our traditional family values required.
Traditional Family Values—N8V Style
One thing bigots who target the LGBTQ+ community love to spout is rhetoric about traditional family values and how only cisgender heteronormativity is compatible with a healthy, happy family.
But in North America, the traditions they're talking about are the culture of the colonizer—not the people Indigenous to these lands. It's a tradition of repressed oppressors who converted Indigenous peoples to Christianity at the point of a sword or the end of a gun.
In recent years, Indigenous peoples worldwide have launched efforts to decolonize their cultures. In North America, this includes reversing misogyny and embracing our LGBTQ+ relatives—sometimes referred to by the modern term Two-Spirit.
Here's a little tutorial on the origins of Two-Spirit from artist, activist, model, and master basket maker Geo Soctomah Neptune of Maine's Passamaquoddy Nation.
People outside the cisgender heteronormative identity were once held in high regard by the overwhelming majority of North American tribal nations.
But the Christianity forced on Indigenous peoples introduced toxic masculinity, homophobia and transphobia and the violence inherent to any doctrine of discrimination and bigotry to Native communities. Now tribal nations are working to reverse that damage.
And some families—like my own—maintained their traditional values, despite being forced to attend Christian-run boarding schools.
No Lessons To Unlearn
Life is so much easier when you aren't taught to hate people because of their sexuality or gender identity. There's no struggling to accept friends or family after they come out.
Despite my parents’ values, I'm a cisgender, heterosexual woman—apparently growing up in an environment of acceptance doesn't make a person gay or trans despite the dire warnings from conservatives.
Who knows how my parents’ attitude would have affected an LGBTQ+ child? I would hope it would alleviate some of the doubt and fear.
Here's Ojibwe young person and activist Taran Howard—who goes by his Anishinaabe name Giiwedin on social media—speaking about what Two-Spirit means to him.
Just imagine if we didn't program every child to think cisgender heteronormativity is “normal” and everything else is aberrant. But instead, as a society, we ask children in preschool if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, assuming they're all heterosexual, planting seeds of homophobia and transphobia.
What a different world this could be if we didn't.
Conservatives complain about introducing anything that acknowledges the mere existence of LGBTQ+ people as “sexualizing” children, yet as a culture we send sexualized messages to children from birth. Browse the baby section of any store and you'll see onesies with messages about male infants' sexual prowess and female infants’ need to have their virtue (virginity) safeguarded by their fathers.
Inundating children with messages about sexuality is perfectly fine as long as it's restricted to heterosexuality, apparently. You'll never see right-wing protests at glitzy beauty pageants—the kind featured on the show Toddlers & Tiaras—but they'll show up to violently oppose a drag queen reading to children.
These constant messages to children are why we, as a society, must celebrate Pride Month and undo some of the damage we cause.
Decolonize Your Attitude
The discrimination and violence against the LGBTQ+ community in the United States is a direct result of colonization.
If we could return to traditional family values—those here before Columbus set sail when most of North America was populated by matriarchal cultures—we could eliminate learning to hate others based on their sexuality or gender identity.
And the next time a conservative tries to lecture you on traditional family values requiring bigotry and oppression of LGBTQ+ people, you can tell them being an ally is a traditional American family value.
~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you. So many people forget that their way is not the only way - not even for their own culture or history. So few people think about that - that the only reason there would be laws in the Old Testament (for example) about non-hetero sexual relationships is because they were occurring, and doing so widely. No one would write laws against such actions if they weren't already happening.
As far as why people are so self-righteous and self-centered about their one beliefs - this quote from the article is one of the best explanations I've seen: “Because he's an idiot taught by other idiots to be an idiot."
This was a wonderful read; I thank you for sharing your family's love and acceptance and working to drive home the fact that this has always been queer land! 🌻💜